The Ex-Slut’s Guide to Ghosting & Getting Ghosted

February 11, 2020December 26, 2024 notsosexinthecity Ghosting

Ghosting: the modern-day vanishing act that’s less Houdini and more, “Wait… did they just forget I exist?” One minute you’re trading flirty texts and planning your next date, and the next? Poof! They’re gone, leaving behind only the faint echo of “Haha, you’re so funny,” and a breadcrumb trail of unanswered messages. We’ve all been there. Heck, I’ve got enough experience to write the guide to ghosting and getting ghosted!

This guide is your ultimate roadmap to the ghosting universe: why it happens, how to handle it like the emotionally intelligent adult you’re pretending to be, and even when it’s acceptable to vanish into the abyss.

Let’s get ghostly! 👻

Table of Contents show

What is ghosting?

Let’s set the scene…

You’re chatting to this proper cutie, laughing your asses off every night, and it seems like things are going really well. Maybe butterflies are doing their thing inside your gut, or you’re bounding across the room to reach for your phone when it buzzes, but either way, you’re feeling it… and them.

And then, one day, nothing.

No witty responses to your fabulous messages.

No return calls.

No answers to questions.

Nothing.

You never hear from them again. (Or, at the very least, for a long-ass while.)

That, my friends, is ghosting.

They have, quite literally, turned into a ghost in your dating life. They haven’t blocked you, or anything dramatic like that. It’s very much like they have died, but the memory of them still lingers on.

And, y’know, they aren’t actually dead.

Friends can ghost you. Romantic partners/dates can ghost you. Co-workers, family members, even potential job prospects – they can all ghost you. Sometimes, it might not even look like ghosting at all…

Side note: 78% of job seekers have ghosted a potential new employer, according to Indeed and CNBC.

40% of job seekers also said that they had been ghosted by a potential new employer following job interviews and the like.

We’re all ghosting each other, apparently.

Recommended reading: 12 Signs You’re About to Get Ghosted.

Ghosting vs. breaking up: what’s the difference?

In a breakup, one person sits the other person down (or whatever) and clearly states, “It’s over.”

Ghosting is a little different. Yes, the relationship/situationship is more than likely over, but the ghoster knows that they are ghosting, whereas the ghostee doesn’t have a clue… and usually has many, many questions than answers. They also don’t have the opportunity to get answers. Messages and other types of communication go ignored.

Hence: ghosting.

There’s no closure, no uncomfortable ending conversations, nothing.

Just… a ghost of what could be.

Different types of ghosting

Ghosting is ghosting, yes… but there are, technically, different types of ghosting. For example, if you get ghosted, but they keep coming back periodically, reminding you that they exist and seeing if you’ll still respond, that’s breadcrumbing.

Oh, I miss the A/S/L days, don’t you?

Let’s take a closer look at the other different types of ghosting that you should probably know about:

Benching
Haunting
Orbiting
Slow fade
Soft ghosting
Zombieing

Why did I get ghosted?

People ghost for all sorts of weird and wonderful reasons. Everyone has their own reasons, and it probably makes total sense in their minds. It’s a shame that it doesn’t make sense to you though, right?

According to Statista, 60% of all American adults have been ghosted by someone they were dating.

The same poll suggested that 45% of American adults had done the ghosting.

It’s not just us “normal people” getting ghosted, either. Hollywood actress Charlize Theron was reported to have ghosted actor Sean Penn in the mid-2010s… after more than one year of dating.

Here are some of the common reasons why people ghost and/or get ghosted:

Because they’re chicken shit and can’t face telling you that it’s over like an adult.
They’re anticipating a negative reaction from you when they break the news.
To avoid something Very Bad happening (such as, getting stalked.)
They’re married/otherwise taken and got caught.
They believe it’s kinder than actually dumping.

I’ve ghosted people because…

I have personally ghosted people, some of which probably didn’t deserve it. I ghosted one chap who got irate when I told him, I didn’t want to date him. Ghosting seemed like a better way of ending things than repeatedly going around-and-around in circles until he either turned up at my door and/or killed me.

Sometimes, particularly for women, ghosting is the better option. The other options could be murder, rape, kidnap, stalking, and all manner of other Very Bad Things.

I’ve also ghosted men who hurt my feelings, women who seemed to string me along, potential dates who were more irritating for my mental health than soothing, liars, narcissists, and general weirdos.

I love a weirdo, so you’ve gotta be pretty weird to be too weird for my comfortable level of weirdness… just saying.

Women ghost because…

One of the most common reasons behind women ghosting men, also sometimes referred to as “simmering” or “icing,” is for safety reasons. It genuinely does feel safer to ghost than to have the whole big conversation with a man who might take it badly.

Because y’know, so many of them fuckin’ do take it badly.

Women also ghost because they are damn tired of saying the same things over and over again, only for them to go completely ignored.

“I have no idea why my ex-girlfriend ghosted me!”

Ummmm, probably because she told you twenty-five times that something made her feel like shit, yet you didn’t stop doing it. What do you want her to do? Say it again? How many more times do you need? Fifty? One hundred? Two hundred?

Does your ex look like your mother?

Men ghost because…

Although the term ghosting first came about at some point in the 2000s, according to Dictionary, it’s not a new concept by any means. You might remember Joey in Friends never calling a girl back, which some still, to this day, refer to as the “Joey” move.

I was ghosted by Simon because he was married. I didn’t know that until after I was ghosted, obviously.

Some people, male and female, choose to ghost instead of getting into an emotionally uncomfortable situation. It’s a selfish move. The ghoster ensures that their mental and emotional health are just fine without caring for the health and happiness of the other person.

Several surveys and polls have been done into ghosting activity over the years, and common other reasons for ghosting someone include:

Not being into the other person & not caring about upsetting them
Being annoyed with something the other person has said or done
Feeling angry towards the other person
Lack of social consequences
Desensitisation to ghosting (and other behaviours) consequences
Needing to cause and feel less emotional pain
Desire to avoid conflict or emotional overwhelm
Busy/conflicting schedules
Emotional immaturity
Miscommunication

Here’s how it feels to get ghosted

According to a UK-based Statista poll, 19.2% of women and 17.45% of men admit to ghosting someone, with 26.43% of women and 25.72% of men getting ghosted.

I asked friends, family, and co-workers about their ghosting experiences for this guide to ghosting. Here are the most commonly used words that were thrown around:

Confused
Angry
Unsure (waiting/moving on)
Disappointed
Vengeful
Hesitant (to continue dating)
Rejected
Anxious

“I went a little crazy after I was ghosted by the man I’d dated for a year and a half. I knew there was something else going on, so I drove by his house a few times. Eventually, I found him with a girl who was half his (and my) age.” – T.

How to handle getting ghosted with dignity

There is no right or wrong way to deal with getting ghosted. It’s really disrespectful when you get down to the bare bones of it. You can’t just exit peoples’ lives without a second thought. It is confusing and disappointing and all of those other negative words. It’s all of those and so, so many more.

No message is a message.

Read that again.

Getting ghosted is a message in itself: they didn’t like you enough to keep the conversation (or whatever) going.

Yes, it’s deeply unpleasant, but at least they’re not wasting your time. (Unless they’re breadcrumbing you, etc.) Take the message as the not-polite rejection that it is and move on.

You could send all the mean, angry, ranting messages in the world… but what will it achieve? Do you really think that they’ll come back with their tail between their legs, apologising and begging for another chance? The chances of that happening are slim to none.

Everybody already knows that it’s rude and disrespectful to ghost someone. If they know that and still do it to you, what does that say? Have you learned nuthin’ from this guide to ghosting and getting ghosted?

I once chose to send message post-ghost. I got blocked for my trouble.

Guess how angry I was after that.

If I could rewind and do things again, I wouldn’t bother sending that final message. It wasn’t worth my time, it didn’t make me feel better, and all I did was wind myself up more.

Lesson learned. Probably.

Or not.

Further reading: Should I Give a Second Chance to Someone Who Ghosted Me?

The guide to ghosting & getting ghosted: summary

So, you’ve made it through part one of the guide to ghosting and getting ghosted, but we are not at the end of the journey… like, by any means.

We’re going to dive into how to spot the signs of pre-ghosting, what to say (if you need to say anything,) and even what to do if the ghoster comes back around, which they so frequently do.

Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤

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